Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
