mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
