I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
