I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I could make wine with my vomit
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
