genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
