this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
