If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
