My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
