I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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