dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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