DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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