4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
