lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
