I faked an abortion last night.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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