I need to stop coming to work sober
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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