I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
