Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
