i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
