did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Do vagina's smell?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
