i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
