Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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