I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
