3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize