you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
