I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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