"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize