It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
