Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
