One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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