"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
