my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
