Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
