I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
