apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I need a beard to bite.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize