I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
