I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
