I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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