If i come over, it means nothing
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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