Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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