I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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