Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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