Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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