I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
