She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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