My nipple is on Facebook.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
