you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
