Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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