dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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