she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
