hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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