Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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