If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pants are for mortals
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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