what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
