Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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