my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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