I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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