Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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