There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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