please come you make the beer taste better
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
