i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
