We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
