but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
